Growing up

I've sat down several times since my grandfather passed away at the end of August to write about the experience, but, haven't been able to focus my thoughts. Nothing I could write could even come close to expressing the memories and feelings of love or just how wonderful this man was. The whole experience shook me to the core. And really, I just missed my grandpa too much. It's still impossible to write about everything but, at least this little helps me get out some of it.

When we left in August to return to India, I knew that it was probably the last time I would see him. Having been gone for the summer too, I didn't have much time to get used to the idea of his health beginning to fail. As he left our house, I started bawling my eyes out. He held me for a long time on our front porch, said how much he loved me, and then, he said something that reminded me of just how amazing he was. "I love you doll..... don't worry...... I'll be waiting for you". I can't even begin to explain how strong his faith was, or, his unconditional love for his family.

We blog mostly about all the amazing things that we get to experience while living in India, and, for the most part, it is a fantastically amazing experience (including the support from the school and community through the whole ordeal). And, we both had talked about the consequences and negative possibilities of us being abroad before coming. But, all of a sudden I felt just how far away we really are.

The long trip home alone, as well as the entire week spent with beloved family, a million memories and feelings, mostly from childhood flooded my senses-- especially walking through his house, grandma and grandpa's house, which I grew up just a few blocks away from and spent time there weekly. The house we spent every single Christmas Eve and morning in with my cousins and aunt and uncle, raking and jumping in leaf piles or playing croquet in the backyard, hearing grandpa hum as he ate his dinner (and how he would never let any of us do the dishes), or how he would stand on the front porch no matter what time of year, to wave and watch us as we pulled away.

He always called me "doll". I loved seeing him and getting a hug and a kiss on Sundays in between the 11 and 12 o'clock services in his usual usher spot at church. He had the most heartfelt and joyful laugh, and he loved to laugh with all of us (proved through the many fart toy gag gifts started one Christmas by my cousins). He was selfless- completely devoted to his family, and his faith.

And while all these personal memories and reflections were happening, all of my family were going through their own. One morning at the house as my aunt Kathy and I were going through hundreds of pictures, spread out all over the floor and furniture, we both started bawling our eyes out, on our knees surrounded by 80+ years of history, holding one another- and then at the same time I started laughing- because I realized it hurt so much now, because it had been so good then. What a blessing this man was to all of us, how much he gave to us, and how that will be with us forever. So, though we not only have to say goodbye to him, but to that house, and that era of our lives, we move on with those gifts.

After a beautiful funeral, where my siblings and I sang, my older cousin Aaron gave a loving and perfectly written eulogy, and my other newly-ordained cousin Bryan presided (another inspiring experience), we all gathered back up at the house together where there was much laughter, eating, toasting, family and fellowship, just as that house had seen for over 50 years. And then there was this moment-- when my cousins' combined 5 young (great-grand)children were running around, playing, that I thought about us 5 grandchildren in that house, and just how real this growing up experience is. Was it that long ago that the 5 of us couldn't wait to grow up and no longer sit at the kids table, but finally with the "grown ups" at the big table? I smiled looking at my cousins' wonderful children. As frightening as getting older sometimes is, the best part is the joy of seeing the ones to come after you. Life is truly amazing.

I've decided there's no such thing as being a "grown up". But that we just continue to "grow up", all the way until the end. We move through life through these different stages, and though the transitions are often challenging, scary, even painful, every stage of your life, and the people a part of that stage, is with you, including the ones we have loved, and lost.

And so, though still missing him, I go to bed tonight, saying the same prayer I say every night. Thank you. Thank you for the blessings in my life. For the wonderful family I have been given. But especially, thank you for my grandfather, C. Milt Widen.